Lost...

To be great as a surrogate, your heart has to be in it and you have to form some sort of attachment or bond. When a baby is growing, whether it be your own or a surro-babe, the baby needs to feel loved, welcomed and have positive vibes. So every time I gear up and get ready for a transfer not only is my body ready for the baby, but so is my heart. So it should be easy to see why I feel as if I have suffered a loss. There is such a fine line that you have to walk...and I fund myself giving all my love but at the same time watching my boundaries. After all, it isn't my baby. So that is also emotionally draining, figuring out what is ok to feel and what isn't...trying to weed out what's not appropriate and what IS. It hurts that I have been ready for this pregnancy and have gone through failure. In some ways it almost makes me feel inadequate. I know I shouldn't feel that way, as there was nothing I could have done. But there is still something inside and it hurts.

Can you SMELL sunshine?

Yes, that is how I feel today. I feel great. Unstoppable even. As this journey gets further and I get to know my IP's better I fall in love with them even more. They are just amazing people and I can't wait to help them bring their son into the world. My family has been so supportive and people ask me about the surrogacy all the time! I frequent the surrogacy boards and love talking to other women who are also into surrogacy. I learn alot about issues other surros have and what they go through. It's nice.

 Anyway, on to the good stuff! My IM is going in for the retrieval tomorrow and I am just so excited! I'm sure she will do just fine! I am just going to try my best to relax myself and get ready for the transfer on Monday. Disneyland tomorrow with my 5 year old. Thur I'm planning a "mommy day" and going by myself to get a pedicure and who knows what else... I will just have free time so I might just enjoy myself! Friday, probably catch up on laundry and cleaning! Sat or Sunday morning going with my mommy to get our massage.. Then Sunday we are celebrating my grandma's bday at a wonderful restaurant! Monday it's off to see their precious angel and hopefully settle him into a nice home for 9 months! :)